Dear Kunjunni,
If only I knew the things that I know now.
You were my first child, and to be perfectly honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had to learn it all with you. After all, you are the reason I became a father. And for that I am so grateful.
You were so small yet you taught me so much about being a father. I’m sorry that you were at the center of all of my trials and errors. I wanted so much to get it right. I think my expectations of you when you were that small were unrealistic. I spent so much time worrying that you weren’t getting enough sleep and that maybe you weren’t developing properly because of something I was doing wrong that, often, I didn’t allow myself to just enjoy the the simplicity of you as a baby. You were our first. Never again will I get the chance to do that over. I’m sorry for that.
I wish I had spent less time focusing on the things you weren’t doing and more time on what you were doing. You grew so fast. One minute I was rocking you to sleep in my arms, and then I blinked and you were off to preschool. Where did the time go?
I think what I’m sad for, most of all, is that you weren’t able to understand. The road was paved with good intentions. My head and my heart were always in the right place. I only wanted the best for you and still do. I probably hovered a bit too much and pored over the smallest fall or scrape. But I wanted to keep you healthy and safe so you could grow up to be healthy and strong.
I still have one regret, that is I couldn't hear your voice when you started talking. I don't think I will ever get over it. I would trade my everything even now to hear your voice.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back and do it all again. I want to go back and cherish those moments. The moments I lost, stressing and worrying. The moments I spent crying because you werent there with me. The moments I felt like I was failing because I was so unsure of the future. What I know now is, all of that time I spent worrying, stressing and crying was in vain.
Despite myself, you turned out to be an amazing child, more than I could have ever imagined. And as I sit here and think about holding you in my arms, I close my eyes as if I’m trying to mentally visualize this moment and try to live in this feeling forever.
Just know that I love you so, so much. That will never change. You will always be my first child, my first little love, and nothing will take that away. I am so proud of the boy you are and can’t wait to see the man you become. You are going to be an incredible example for everyone, and I couldn’t be more proud.
The truth is, my sweet child, you will always be my first child. You will always be the one who teaches me how to be the best father that I can be. You will always be my first baby—always. That will never change. But we still have so many firsts ahead of us now. And no matter how many times I feel like I’m failing, I am able to just look at you and know that somehow, some way, I must be doing something right.
It was also from you that I learnt the importance of adapting to circumstances and not being afraid of the unknown.
While working hard for my career, my parents reciprocated in kind with their unconditional love and support for my career. Remember that relationships are important and have to be nurtured and cherished. Also keep in mind that a relationship is a two way street, so be ready to give a relationship just as you would expect the other person to be giving to you.
Remember that good times and bad times will be part of your life equally, and you have to learn to handle both with equanimity. Make the most of life’s opportunities and learn from every opportunity, and challenge that life brings along.
Will you miss our special time as a trio? I wonder, as I snuggle on your rug at night, I remember the times when you, your Mommy and me were under a blanket too small to cover us all. But you don't realize, pulling it up over us anyway, feet popping out, giggling all the while.
I miss you more than you can imagine, and ever since I moved out of the house, moments together have become so rare! But despite that, I think about you everyday, I think back upon our wonderful memories, our fits of laughter and cuddle times. We grow up, time goes by, but fortunately memories stay!
Eventually, our day draws to an end, the sun goes down and the world is quiet and dark. I sit in silence alone, and just like I've always done, I replay our moments together in my mind!
Your loving Father,
Sharan Venugopal Arikanniyoor
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